Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in and day out. They are walking or have walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM. It is not an easy road to walk and it sticks with you for a lifetime. You never forget the sting that was created. And even when you have a child the sting still burns. You are never quite whole and you never forget it. Every time a friend/ family member gets pregnant you think "did they have issues?" "why me?" "why so easy for them?" It not only hurts you but hurts the people you come in contact with and tarnishes relationships (sometimes to the point they are beyond repair). It challenges families, and pocket books. And so much more.
This pain is made worse when a company, group, or person uses these feelings. PETA decided to have a contest to honor Infertility Awareness Week. What is the prive you ask....a vasectomy. It is completely insensitive! When called on it PETA is saying...
"we're not exploiting infertility, we're bringing awareness to overpopulation".
When told they offended a large community of animal lovers and were losing support. They reply that it "remains to be seen" and "the contest would go on as scheduled whether its offensive or not."
"The response has been positive and they havent gotten many calls from people that are offended."
The last one is the one I URGE you to change.
If anybody wants to call PETA and tell them they are insensitive please do 757-622-PETA (7382)
Infertility hurts and it is real it is not a joke or a topic to be used for political gain especially from a group that doesnt care that they are hurting people in order to push their own agenda.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Monday, March 8, 2010
Infertility Etiquette
I wish I had seen this article in order to have had some friends, family and strangers read it. What I/we went through in order to get our boys will stay with me FOREVER. I know it stays with Erick as well. It has affected us in many ways that even we have yet to realize. It has and continues to hover over and shade our choices. MANY people are dealing or have dealt with this. It is painful. It will continue to be painful. I write this and pass on this article in hopes that it brings some insight and maybe a little thought. You may not even realize you are doing or have done these things.
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Happy 4-20 to me
I know what you are thinking "isn't that a pot smokers holiday"? Well... not for me its not. Last year on 4-20 I was sad and pouting about how my first medicated cycle (50 mg clomid) failed so miserably. Little did I know what cycle two had in store for us.
Monday, March 30, 2009
How do you respond
How do you respond when someone asks a personal rude question. As a mom of twins in today's society of octo-mom, J&K +8, Twins, Twins, and stipulates we are fascinated by twins. I didn't realize how bad it was til becoming a mom of twins myself (triplet moms I don't know how you do it). First off we call our stroller our circus train or freak show because when we are out in public we attract people as if that is what we are a circus or freak show. Besides all the pointing, staring, and talking as if we cant hear them the general public seems to think it is ok to ask whatever they like. I have been asked...
*are they real?
*are you sure they are twins?
*Really two boys?
*are they natural?
*are they IVF?
*do they run in your family?
*in your husbands family?
*are they identical?
*do they have different personalities?
*how can you tell them apart?
How do you respond to that? On top of all the personal questions that random people in target think they can ask they argue with me when I give them an answer. For instance on more than one occasion I have actually answered the questions with truthful answers like "yes twins run in my husbands family but that has nothing to do with our twins because he has nothing to do with my releasing 2 eggs" "the fact that we have boys is my husbands fault but the fact that there are two of them is mine" and people argue with me that I must be wrong and it must be because of Erick. Or when I say "we had help but we were luckier that some and didn't have to go that far into treatments" That is when I get told that I'm lucky I could have had 6 or 8. um no they are crazy and went through IUI/IVF I took a pill for 5 days that is a big difference. And really what kind of babies aren't natural? Why wouldn't my kids have different personalities? What dictionary are people using that they think my boys are identical? Why sense they aren't identical aren't they twins in the eyes of some? Do people really think I wouldn't notice if one of my sons was really a girl I mean there is a big difference in what a penis looks like compared to a vagina? And lastly when did my sex life become anyone but mine and my husbands business?
Really how do you respond to rude intrusive questions?
*are they real?
*are you sure they are twins?
*Really two boys?
*are they natural?
*are they IVF?
*do they run in your family?
*in your husbands family?
*are they identical?
*do they have different personalities?
*how can you tell them apart?
How do you respond to that? On top of all the personal questions that random people in target think they can ask they argue with me when I give them an answer. For instance on more than one occasion I have actually answered the questions with truthful answers like "yes twins run in my husbands family but that has nothing to do with our twins because he has nothing to do with my releasing 2 eggs" "the fact that we have boys is my husbands fault but the fact that there are two of them is mine" and people argue with me that I must be wrong and it must be because of Erick. Or when I say "we had help but we were luckier that some and didn't have to go that far into treatments" That is when I get told that I'm lucky I could have had 6 or 8. um no they are crazy and went through IUI/IVF I took a pill for 5 days that is a big difference. And really what kind of babies aren't natural? Why wouldn't my kids have different personalities? What dictionary are people using that they think my boys are identical? Why sense they aren't identical aren't they twins in the eyes of some? Do people really think I wouldn't notice if one of my sons was really a girl I mean there is a big difference in what a penis looks like compared to a vagina? And lastly when did my sex life become anyone but mine and my husbands business?
Really how do you respond to rude intrusive questions?
Monday, May 12, 2008
The New Plan
I had my pap today and we talked for a bit about what needed to be done next. So while she was down there she said everything looked good and that she was going to run cultures in case this was it. She also said that if my progesterone was low again (9.1 last cycle draw today) then we would bump to 100mg clomid. Lastly if af shows I have my HSG in 2 weeks. So at least I have a plan. I should have results of the progesterone in 2 days.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
My chart
Do not open this post if you do not want to know more about my body and sex life.
This is my chart and at this point it kinda sucks. I really dont know what is going on with my body. I was looking at my chart for the 15,000,000th time today so I thought I would share it
This is my chart and at this point it kinda sucks. I really dont know what is going on with my body. I was looking at my chart for the 15,000,000th time today so I thought I would share it
Monday, April 21, 2008
Back from the doctor
So because one cycle ended and another one started I had to go to the doctor. I know this post will have a lot of information that many may not want to read because i was there and know what happened. You have been warned. So because that was my first cycle on clomid i really did not know what to expect. I got the the Dr and was told to strip below the waste. I guess I had a shocked look on my face because the nurse double checked that she had the right patient and told me what I was there for. So I strip and sit on the pee pad they put down so I wont bleed on the table and I wait. I can hear them in the hall asking if anyone has seen my Dr. I dont like the room I was in the room I am normally in has butterflies on the ceiling. Finally the Dr comes in and we talk. I ask her if she is at all concerned that my progesterone is only 9.1 and she says no. I ask again because (and I tell her this) I read that anything under 15 for a medicated cycle is not great. She says that we accomplished what we wanted and I did ovulate so that is good that lets give this a chance. Ok. So she also says that the HSG will come next cycle if I ovulate again and dont get pregnant. Ok. She also says that there are a few more tests that will go with it. ok. At this point she asks me to lay back feet in stirups greeeeaaat. I lay there she inserts 2 fingers and pushes on my belly. WHY OUCH. Im already cramping and you want to push on my belly. Good news is the script is the same and my insides feel fine so he we go again. When i got home I called erick and I told him. I also told him I never want to hear him bitch when he has to get his prostate checked. LOL.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Time of death... 11am
Here is the warning this post may have TMI. I am not saying it does as at this point I have not written the rest but based on what inspired this I think it does.
So it all started yesterday I started having pink only when I went to the bathroom. My temp also dropped. I was so excited for this cycle. The clomid and getting a confirmation on actually ovulating. Then my chart looked great textbook even. Such high hopes all to be dashed this morning with what is best described as more than just pink when going to the bathroom. What makes this even worse is I want Erick even more and just cant do it. This is just cruel. Nature is mean. Not only do I not get what I want so badly but I cant even have sex with my husband. Now I have to be sure and call the Dr first thing in the morning so that they can squeeze me in for a check and to get my new script of clomid at a higher dose. I will once again get poked prodded and most likely get the camera shoved up my cooch while bleeding so that once again i can take pills that will keep me up at night and sick in the morning and most likely get nothing out of it.
To add to the insult yesterday I went to a recruitment fair for teachers and was told that I was going to be hard pressed to find a job for next year because I am in a saturated field right now and that nothing about my degree is special. One more thing to look forward to. Grrrrraaaate. So if all else fails I will spend a year subbing but I think we may move. I think that Stockton is getting to small. I want to move north. Before I get messages freaking out no this is not for sure and no it is not something at has been discussed in depth so dont worry it is not going to happen tomorrow.
OK so some good news Ericks mom thought we needed a vacation so she is sending us to LOS VEGAS FOR THREE DAYS. I know it isnt a lot of time but it is better than nothing and she is footing the bill for the plane and the hotel. Woooo Hooo. Well that about sums up everything right now.
So it all started yesterday I started having pink only when I went to the bathroom. My temp also dropped. I was so excited for this cycle. The clomid and getting a confirmation on actually ovulating. Then my chart looked great textbook even. Such high hopes all to be dashed this morning with what is best described as more than just pink when going to the bathroom. What makes this even worse is I want Erick even more and just cant do it. This is just cruel. Nature is mean. Not only do I not get what I want so badly but I cant even have sex with my husband. Now I have to be sure and call the Dr first thing in the morning so that they can squeeze me in for a check and to get my new script of clomid at a higher dose. I will once again get poked prodded and most likely get the camera shoved up my cooch while bleeding so that once again i can take pills that will keep me up at night and sick in the morning and most likely get nothing out of it.
To add to the insult yesterday I went to a recruitment fair for teachers and was told that I was going to be hard pressed to find a job for next year because I am in a saturated field right now and that nothing about my degree is special. One more thing to look forward to. Grrrrraaaate. So if all else fails I will spend a year subbing but I think we may move. I think that Stockton is getting to small. I want to move north. Before I get messages freaking out no this is not for sure and no it is not something at has been discussed in depth so dont worry it is not going to happen tomorrow.
OK so some good news Ericks mom thought we needed a vacation so she is sending us to LOS VEGAS FOR THREE DAYS. I know it isnt a lot of time but it is better than nothing and she is footing the bill for the plane and the hotel. Woooo Hooo. Well that about sums up everything right now.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Confusion Thy Name is....
I know I am new to this but sometimes I just want to be one of those people that has things fall in their lap. I really thought that sticks you pee on would be easier than this. I have been taking OPK the last three days. Day 1 no second line. Day 2 faint second line. Today again no line. I thought in all my readings that getting a faint line meant that lines were supposed to over time get darker not get disappear all together. So now I am just really confused. Then again when am I not confused about what my body is doing. Cant something go textbook?
So my interview is now just hours away and I could not be looking more forward to it. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.
So my interview is now just hours away and I could not be looking more forward to it. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Not as bad as I thought
A little update about medications and life. I have finished taking Clomid and I only had a few hot flashes, nausea, and mood swings. Though it was not fun it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I took a mental health day today and ditched class. I just needed to spend some time with Erick. Before Erick could relax he wanted to finish the laundry he started a few days ago so I pressed my suit for my interview. I am so ready for this I am going to blow them out of the water. I hope all who are reading this are having as good of a day as I am. The funny thing is even with the few large assignments I have coming up with school the only thing I am really worried about is my blood work I have to go in to do on the 15Th. That blood work will determine our next step. Oh BTW in total since January 21 I have lost 42 pounds. OK going to go watch a movie with Erick.
Monday, March 31, 2008
School Work and Meds
Really not a lot going on.So things right now have been a lot of school, work, home, sleep, then repeat. I am behind in all my classes and forgot an assignment that was due today. I have done a lot of prep for my interview sat. I have a few great outfits that I will post soon to get opinions on. I have a big event that I am coordinating at work and I cannot tell you how happy I will be when this is over. The hard part is that this event is the same day as my blood test so I have to figure out how to be in two places at once. I have got to tell you that clomid sucks. I am sick to my stomach from the time I wake up until lunch. Ok Erick is in bed waiting so off I go.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Open mouth insert foot
Everyone has an opinion but sometimes it just doesn't need to be heard. I love how when you start telling your story suddenly everyone that would not touch the subject with you before is an expert. When you share your story suddenly to the public you are a expert at the smile and nod. Come on you know what I mean. That is where on the outside you are smiling and nodding to show that you are listening and on the inside you are thinking of all the painful ways you could kill the person. You go through the list and cross off all the ways that you could kill them that just do not cause enough pain because you really want them to know 1) what it feels like to have trouble TTTCing and 2) because you want them to know how it really feels to have to hear some of these things. There are just certain things that should be in the big book of common knowledge that everyone should get upon there ohhhhhh 13th birthday. Why do "we"(society) teach our kids not to point or ask questions of people that may or may not be pg but as adults suddenly it is ok. Sense when are the phrases "god has a plan for you" or "all thing happen for a reason" or "maybe you just need to relax and work on you for a bit" helpful or encouraging? I tell you what I lost my faith in god or a higher power a long time ago and telling me that your god has a plan for me does not help. Its biology and its a flawed process. Even when everything goes right there is still only like a oh 1 in 5 chance of getting a living healthy child out of it. I also love how friends stop calling/ writing. All of this reminds me of 6th grade when my dad committed suicide. I lost all my friends because for a 12 year old it is easier to make new friends and ignore someone who is suddenly different then to talk to them. I didn't realize that I associated myself with people of a 6th graders mentality. I also think it must really be hard to say "I don't understand what you are going through but thank you for including me." I don't want people to feel sorry for me but I am tired of hearing things like "you are just trying to hard and making to much of this". Really if people cant talk to me without telling me their opinion of what I should or should not be doing, how if i just give it time, focus on something else, pray more, eat less, turn around, sit down, wiggle my ears and trust in god then I think I prefer them not talking to me.
Friday, March 21, 2008
News
So I just got in from my follow up to talk about my U/S and my blood work. I am cyst free and look good. As for blood work Thyroid looks great, FSH and LH both normal. So I look good I have been cleared to get back in the game. I have to call on CD 1 and let her know at that point she will call in the Clomid (50 mg) and set my appointment for my CD 21 progesterone check. With all this I will still continue the Adipax because I am responding well and have dropped 34 pounds to date. The lower I get the better the chance so I am happy about that. Oh and she said I could choose to take my Clomid starting on CD 3 or CD 5. I was told taking it on CD 3 would increase my chance of multiples. So now I have some talking to do with Erick. Really it is almost 10 am and today is already the best day I have had in a long time.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Spring is here
Well spring is here the flowers are blooming birds are singing and I am sad. The world seems to be bursting with new life and I am empty. The longer it has been sense my U/S the more worried I get about the results. I feel like I may never get the chance to be blooming with new life. Being told I am glowing.
I had someone come up to me today, put their hands on my fat belly and ask when I was due. Really? Really? I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am still getting asked when I am due. I know I am not thin but do I really look pregnant? Some people just should not speak and really need to think hard before opening their mouth at all. So now I sit here depressed that I am going to be the best auntie in a few months but not a mom.
I forgot in my last blog to mention my change essay. In one of my masters classes we were asked to write an essay about a change that we are going through, want to go through or recently completed. This essay had to be 8-10 pages so what am I going to write about? Of course I am going to write about the change to be a mother. The only problem is the paper had to be peer edited by 2 random people in the class. Well I decided it was still worth it. I turned in my paper on Monday and got the first of my feedback. I was told that m paper was informative but personally disconnected. Hmmm yah think? I tried to write the paper in the true sense of what happened making it really personal and all I did was cry. I had to disconnect a little. However, something good did come out of it already. The girl that ready my paper said she didn't know anyone had such a hard time conceiving. So I did educate one person. I have also taken to, when people ask if there is anything they can do, telling people to write their congress man to get our state to mandate fertility coverage.
So maybe this is my spring I am being "reborn" into a stronger more active advocate for fertility. I feel like I need to be shouting it from the rooftops. The world needs to know and now I am actually looking forward to joining in the open class discussion on our papers. I am also thinking of going back through and fixing the disconnect. If i am going to share this then I am not doing any favors to anyone by it not being personally connected. This paper may be my start to healing.
If I cannot be a mom then maybe I can bring awareness to the subject. This is one of my big pet peeves. When did talking about things become wrong just because it makes someone uncomfortable? We get over our discomfort by talking and if we cant talk then it just sits inside and festers. It looks like this spring will be a period of growth for me even if it isn't in the direction I wanted it to be.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
My story to date
Erick and I met by a stroke of luck in the rec. lounge of my residence hall. A few months later Erick attempted to ask me to marry him. Yes you read that right I said a few months. I laughed at him. Not the best response. The topic comes up more and more after that. One night I got up the nerve and told him that if he didn't ask me I was going to ask him. On May 8th 2003 just seven months after meeting wrapped in an embrace in the middle of my dorm room Erick asked me to be his and I said yes. As you can imagine our families thought we were nuts. Two years after he proposed we were married (Mothers Day 2008). Our wedding was beautiful. It rained but just as we said I do it stopped. Perfect! I could not have asked for anything better.
May 2006- off birth control and trying for a baby
Aug. 2006- Started charting
April 2007- Go to see doctor. I was told not to worry because I was young and after all she just had a baby last year at 35 with no problems. I asked for a referral (I was using the University health care). I was told they couldn't do that.
Aug. 2007- 70 day cycle. When to doctor was put on Provera. New nurse practitioner instantly started helping me. Found out the health center had said and documented that they referred me and that I declined services.
Dec. 2007- Got my referral to the outside office that the NP that helped me works at.
Jan. 2008- First outside appointment with NP. Discovered the doctor at the school signed off on my blood work saying that everything was normal when in fact my thyroid was off. Started weight loss with diet, exercise and Adipax (along with BCPs).
Feb. 2008- Redo Thyroid and everything is okay there. Dropped 22 pounds so far.
Today I had an ultrasound. I had to go twice. The first time I followed what I was told and my bladder didn't fill. I follow the new instructions I was given and I spend an hour dancing because I had to pee so bad. She took a ton of images and I didn't get told anything other than I should ask to be checked for PCOS and that my right ovary didn't want its picture taken and was hiding in my bowels.
So now I wait. I have an appointment with the NP on Friday to find out if we can get off this nine week break and Adipax and start trying again. At the appointment I will get the results of the U/S and find out what our next step is. I know we have to repeat all the blood work that was done at the University and there has been talk of clomid. I have so many questions for Friday. I will keep you posted on here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)