School Work and Meds

Really not a lot going on.So things right now have been a lot of school, work, home, sleep, then repeat. I am behind in all my classes and forgot an assignment that was due today. I have done a lot of prep for my interview sat. I have a few great outfits that I will post soon to get opinions on. I have a big event that I am coordinating at work and I cannot tell you how happy I will be when this is over. The hard part is that this event is the same day as my blood test so I have to figure out how to be in two places at once. I have got to tell you that clomid sucks. I am sick to my stomach from the time I wake up until lunch. Ok Erick is in bed waiting so off I go.

Good news

Knock knock... Who's there... Your future. I received an email today.  I was very excited when I saw who it was from.  Once I opened it I was jumping up and down.  The email was from one of my top two districts that I want to work for.  I have an interview with them in 8 days I am super excited.  I would love to work for this district and I really hope I get this job.  Cross your fingers for me.  I will keep you posted.

No longer a bitter betty

Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to really point out what is going on in the inside. A great friend pointed out how negative my blogs were sounding and was concerned at that because its not like me.  So I went back, reread them and she was right.  I want to apologize to those that have been reading.  Life really is not that bad.  The blogs just seem to reflect one side of the situation.  I really am happy with the progress we have made in our treatments and with the relationship between Erick and I that really has been strengthened by this long journey.  Admittedly I was pulling away from some because of personal feelings but in the same breath I can only push myself on them so far.  I can not force those that are avoiding me to talk to me.  This is my promise to you that I will do my best to be more positive and complete in my reporting of events from this point on.  However, with this being our first month back to being allowed to try there are a few details that I am keeping to myself.  I will not be telling you what cycle day I am on as  I don't want to be hounded every day or asked if I decided for start on day 3 or 5.  I will however keep you updated on most other things and will tell the results of the cycle once over.  I do realize that those that say the stupid comments only said them because they love me and don't know what else to say.  I really do love them for trying.  I know for some of those that read this it is hard because 1) they have never been around someone this open with the issue 2) they have concerns about outing their own issues 3) they don't know what to say and nothing is easier than figuring out what to say.  I love you.  It takes strength to post a comment (nothing gets posted without my ok.  The topic can only be considered wrong to talk about if we make it that way.  To those that have been reading but not talking to me, emailing me personally or commenting I am thinking of you.  Are you thinking of me?  To the wonderful nesties that come here to look in on me, I hope you get your wish soon.  I may not believe in god but I can send good thoughts your way.  

So now my happy thought for the day.  I spent the day visiting a wonderful family that I haven't seen in a couple of years.  I took my mom to their house because her best friend from her childhood is their mother/grandmother.  I had babysat these kids for 3 years in high school.  I love these kids and this family.  I think about them often and it was great to see how big they are.  I was greeted with hugs and kisses and almost knocked down.  One of my favorite memories of them was right after baby #3 was born.  This baby was the first together for mom and dad.  Kids 1 and 2 were young 3 maybe 4 years old and were on the bath together.  Mind you kids 1 and 2 were brother and sister well sister had brothers legs pinned to the side of the tub coaching him to "push push got to get the baby out" LOL I think they were a little mixed up but I about died laughing.  I don't think they will ever live this story down hence the reason the names were left out of the story.  

So in conclusion,  those that know me in real life for heavens sake talk to me.  The more we talk the more you understand and the less bitter I am which will make you want to talk to me more.  In exchange I will try to paint a more accurate picture and show you that I really am not what it looks like I am from this blog.  When I hit publish post I am agreeing to my side of this, will you agree to the side I am proposing for you?And here is the rest of it.

Open mouth insert foot

Everyone has an opinion but sometimes it just doesn't need to be heard. I love how when you start telling your story suddenly everyone that would not touch the subject with you before is an expert.  When you share your story suddenly to the public you  are a expert at the smile and nod.  Come on you know what I mean.  That is where on the outside you are smiling and nodding to show that you are listening and on the inside you are thinking of all the painful ways you could kill the person.  You go through the list and cross off all the ways that you could kill them that just do not cause enough pain because you really want them to know 1) what it feels like to have trouble TTTCing and 2) because you want them to know how it really feels to have to hear some of these things.  There are just certain things that should be in the big book of common knowledge that everyone should get upon there ohhhhhh 13th birthday.  Why do "we"(society) teach our kids not to point or ask questions of people that may or may not be pg but as adults suddenly it is ok.  Sense when are the phrases "god has a plan for you" or "all thing happen for a reason"  or "maybe you just need to relax and work on you for a bit"  helpful or encouraging?  I tell you what I lost my faith in god or a higher power a long time ago and telling me that your god has a plan for me does not help.  Its biology and its a flawed process.  Even when everything goes right there is still only like a oh 1 in 5 chance of getting a living healthy child out of it.  I also love how friends stop calling/ writing.  All of this reminds me of 6th grade when my dad committed suicide.  I lost all my friends because for a 12 year old it is easier to make new friends and ignore someone who is suddenly different then to talk to them.  I didn't realize that I associated myself with people of a 6th graders mentality.  I also think it must really be hard to say "I don't understand what you are going through but thank you for including me."  I don't want people to feel sorry for me but I am tired of hearing things like "you are just trying to hard and making to much of this".  Really if people cant talk to me without telling me their opinion of what I should or should not be doing, how if i just give it time,  focus on something else, pray more, eat less, turn around, sit down, wiggle my ears and trust in god then I think I prefer them not talking to me.  

And the results are...

PASSED!  Masters orals went great.   Except that one of the people kept asking leading questions that took forever to say.  I really think that one of the questions took him 5 min to spit out.  I passed though so really what do I care.  Now all I have to do is get through the rest of the course work.  I will walk on May 17th and finish my last class 5 weeks later with a total of 40 graduate level units.  I am very excited because that means only 5 units to the next pay raise. hehehe.  

To celebrate Erick took me out to The Elephant Bar.  After that we went shopping (only spent a gift card I had been saving).  Then we drove around for oh 2 hours looking at houses.  We found a cute little area that well will watch when we get closer to buying.  To end the night out and begin the night in we rented some movies.

The movie just ended and now it is midnight and Im tired but I am cramping so bad that I want to rip my insides out and bang them on the wall.  Maybe then they will pass out and stop torturing me.  Oh and Erick is being so supportive laying on me to watch the movie cuz that felt so good. NOT!  I know I know you are all thinking why did you let him lay on you if it hurt.  Well long story short because of all the preping for orals meant that he was neglected sense about Thursday.  He wanted so badly to just cuddle and watch a movie so I gave in.  Now I know your new question is well then why didn't you lay on him.  Well... he is a wiggler.  He moves constantly during a movie.  If I am in his lap every time he moves I have to.   

So now he is bed and I am sitting here writing to whoever reads this.  Wondering many things that effect many things and don't know where to start to even write any of them down.  Oh yeah and I have eaten more than my fair share of jelly beans.  At this point I think I need to hit publish, walk away from the bag of beans, brush my teeth and head for bed.  Night all!

Still Not As Easy As You Think

I thought I was over these feelings. I guess I just pushed them back. I spent my day today not studying like I needed to be doing for my Masters Orals exam tomorrow but with my mom and sister.  We went shopping, had lunch and played cards (I lost).  To end the day Mom and I went to the doctor with sister for her check up.  She is 34 weeks and they did an ultrasound.  I held it together all day.  OK maybe that is an overstatement I did kinda tell her in Target that I resented her.  Not now but through the whole beginning of her pregnancy.  I was supportive and involved and I lost it on the way home.  When we were at the doctors and my mom and I were getting in the car (sister was setting up her next appointment) she gave me a hug, said she was proud of me but she hopes that it takes us just a little longer.  (UMMMM WHAT??!!)  Glad to hear mom thanks.  I know here reasoning for thinking that way and it couldn't hurt.   However, I didn't need to hear that especially 3 hours after the spotting that decided to show up today started.  This is exciting for me because I will get to start Clomid soon.  Then we can really get this show on the road.  At the same time school is getting a little more demanding so I am sorry this is your warning posts may be academic for a bit.  OK time to get back to work Orals are tomorrow and I still have 3 questions to answer.  Until we meet again.

Sick and twisted

So I am sitting here thinking about how the mind works.  Its funny really as you get fat you don't see it because you don't want to believe it is happening.  So even though the jeans don't fit and you have to buy a bigger size (if you even admit that) when you look in the mirror you see yourself the way you think you look.  Then something clicks be it on your own, because someone tells your "hey lard butt move your fat ass" or when the 6th person in a month asks you when your due and you decide it is time to do something.  You work your butt off trying to get thin and what happens?  Your mind plays another trick on you.  I have lost 34 pounds and counting to date from the first of the year.  

I hear that I look good but I just do not see it when I look in the mirror.  So I decided to do a little test that lead me to make the image above.  I was going to look at a before and after shot and you know what?  I still do not see it.  I know I am down 34 lbs and I know I am down 2 pant sizes and none of my clothes fit.  I am able to do things now that I couldn't before (physically speaking) but I still don't see myself any thinner.  So I have decided that my mind and body image is sick and twisted.  But how does one go about changing the way that they see themselves.  The kicker in all this is when I am dreaming or close my eyes and think of what I look like I am a skinny minnie.  Now how is that for sick and twisted?

News

So I just got in from my follow up to talk about my U/S and my blood work.  I am cyst free and look good.  As for blood work Thyroid looks great, FSH and LH both normal.  So I look good I have been cleared to get back in the game.  I have to call on CD 1 and let her know at that point she will call in the Clomid (50 mg) and set my appointment for my CD 21 progesterone check.  With all this I will still continue the Adipax because I am responding well and have dropped 34 pounds to date.  The lower I get the better the chance so I am happy about that.  Oh and she said I could choose to take my Clomid starting on CD 3 or CD 5.  I was told taking it on CD 3 would increase my chance of multiples.  So now I have some talking to do with Erick.  Really it is almost 10 am and today is already the best day I have had in a long time.

Spring is here

Well spring is here the flowers are blooming birds are singing and I am sad.  The world seems to be bursting with new life and I am empty.  The longer it has been sense my U/S the more worried  I get about the results.  I feel like I may never get the chance to be blooming with new life.  Being told I am glowing.  

I had someone come up to me today, put their hands on my fat belly and ask when I was due.  Really?  Really?  I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am still getting asked when I am due.  I know I am not thin but do I really look pregnant?  Some people just should not speak and really need to think hard before opening their mouth at all.  So now I sit here depressed that I am going to be the best auntie in a few months but not a mom.  

I forgot in my last blog to mention my change essay.  In one of my masters classes we were asked to write an essay about a change that we are going through, want to go through or recently completed.  This essay had to be 8-10 pages so what am I going to write about? Of course I am going to write about the change to be a mother.  The only problem is the paper had to be peer edited by 2 random people in the class.  Well I decided it was still worth it.  I turned in my paper on Monday and got the first of my feedback.  I was told that m paper was informative but personally disconnected.  Hmmm yah think?  I tried to write the paper in the true sense of what happened making it really personal and all I did was cry.  I had to disconnect a little.  However, something good did come out of it already.  The girl that ready my paper said she didn't know anyone had such a hard time conceiving.  So I did educate one person.  I have also taken to, when people ask if there is anything they can do, telling people to write their congress man to get our state to mandate fertility coverage.  

So maybe this is my spring I am being "reborn" into a stronger more active advocate for fertility.  I feel like I need to be shouting it from the rooftops.  The world needs to know and now I am actually looking forward to joining in the open class discussion on our papers.  I am also thinking of going back through and fixing the disconnect.  If i am going to share this then I am not doing any favors to anyone by it not being personally connected.  This paper may be my start to healing.  

If I cannot be a mom then maybe I can bring awareness to the subject.  This is one of my big pet peeves.  When did talking about things become wrong just because it makes someone uncomfortable?  We get over our discomfort by talking and if we cant talk then it just sits inside and festers.  It looks like this spring will be a period of growth for me even if it isn't in the direction I wanted it to be. 

My story to date

Erick and I met by a stroke of luck in the rec. lounge of my residence hall. A few months later Erick attempted to ask me to marry him. Yes you read that right I said a few months. I laughed at him. Not the best response. The topic comes up more and more after that.  One night I got up the nerve and told him that if he didn't ask me I was going to ask him.  On May 8th 2003 just seven months after meeting wrapped in an embrace in the middle of my dorm room Erick asked me to be his and I said yes.  As you can imagine our families thought we were nuts.  Two years after he proposed we were married (Mothers Day 2008). Our wedding was beautiful.  It rained but just as we said I do it stopped. Perfect! I could not have asked for anything better.

May 2006- off birth control and trying for a baby

Aug. 2006- Started charting 

April 2007- Go to see doctor. I was told not to worry because I was young and after all she just had a baby last year at 35 with no problems. I asked for a referral (I was using the University health care). I was told they couldn't do that.  

Aug. 2007- 70 day cycle.  When to doctor was put on Provera.  New nurse practitioner  instantly started helping me. Found out the health center had said and documented that they referred me and that I declined services. 

Dec. 2007- Got my referral to the outside office that the NP that helped me works at.

Jan. 2008- First outside appointment with NP.  Discovered the doctor at the school signed off on my blood work saying that everything was normal when in fact my thyroid was off.  Started weight loss with diet, exercise and Adipax (along with BCPs).  

Feb. 2008- Redo Thyroid and everything is okay there. Dropped 22 pounds so far.

Today I had an ultrasound.  I had to go twice.  The first time I followed what I was told and my bladder didn't fill.  I follow the new instructions I was given and I spend an hour dancing because I had to pee so bad.  She took a ton of images and I didn't get told anything other than I should ask to be checked for PCOS and that my right ovary didn't want its picture taken and was hiding in my bowels.  

So now I wait.  I have an appointment with the NP on Friday to find out if we can get off this nine week break and Adipax and start trying again.  At the appointment I will get the results of the U/S and find out what our next step is.  I know we have to repeat all the blood work that was done at the University and there has been talk of clomid.  I have so many questions for Friday.  I will keep you posted on here.

Wish List

While talking with a friend we started talking about reading to the boys. Then we got discussing all the books I want to read to the boys. So I made a list. Then I started thinking....we are always getting asked what the boys need so I thought I would put it all down for anyone who wants to know. We also thought this may help cut down on receiving 4 of the same thing or clothes in the wrong size. So along with all the books we want for the boys here is everything we currently want or need for the boys. This list will get updated as things get purchased or new things are needed.



Clothes:
currently wearing: (has more then enough)
Spring/summer: 2T/3T
Fall/winter stuff: 2T

Butt care:
We favor Pampers diapers and Huggies or costco wipes
current size: 4


Food:
finger foods (puffs, melts, ect)
snacks
juice

Baby care:
Aveno lotion
Aveno baby shampoo
Dove sensitive skin body wash
Highlands teething tablets

Toys:
NO MORE INSIDE TOYS right now PLEASE!!!! We have more then they can play with or that we have space for.
balls
outside summer toys
cozy coupe
tunnel
tent
trike
treehouse
climber
sensory balls
balls
bike

Books:(received books have been crossed)
Anything by-
-Alexandra Day
-boynton nooks
-Dr. Seuss
-Eric Carle
-Mercer Mayer
-Richard Scarry
-Robert Munsch
-Sandra Boynton
A light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
Alexander, Who Used to Be Rich Last Sunday by Judith Viorst
Alexander, Who's Not (Do You Hear Me? I Mean It!) Going to Move by Judith Viorst
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll
Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman
Amelia Bedelia by Peggy Parish
Animalia by Graeme Base
Are You My Mother? by Philip D. Eastman
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, by Judy Blume
Bear Snores On by Karma Wilson
Bear Wants More by Karma Wilson
Bear's New Friend by Karma Wilson
Blue Hat, Green Hat by Sandra Boynton
Blueberries for Sal by Robert McCloskey
Bread and Jam for Frances, by Russell Hoban
Bridge to Terabitha
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? By Bill Martin, Jr.
Can you see?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
Charolette’s web
Chicka Chicka Boom Boom By Bill Martin, Jr and John Archambault
Chicken Soup with Rice: A Book of Months by Maurice Sendak
Chronicles of Narnia
Cinderhazel
Click, Clack, Moo: Cows That Type by Doreen Cronin
Clifford, the Big Red Dog by Norman Bridwell
Cloudy with a chance of meatballs
Corduroy By Don Freeman and Richard Peck
Cowlick by Ditchfield
Curious George by Hans Augusto Rey
Dear Mrs LaRue
Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus by Mo Willems
Dooby dooby moo by Cronin
Duck for president
Duck in the Truck
Each Peach Pear Plum by Janet Ahlberg
Falling up by Shel Silverstein
Five little ducks by bates
Freckle Juice by Blume
Freddy the Leaf
Fudge boxed set by Judy Blume
Girl’s like spaghetti
Glodie Locks has chicken pox
Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown
Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney
Halloween Night
Harold and the Purple Crayon, by Crockett Johnson
Harry potter
Hatchet, by Gary Paulson
How Does a Dinosaur …-A series by Jane Yolen
How much is a million? By David Schwartz
I love you forever
I love you Stinky Face
I spy books.
If I ran the rain forest
If You Give a ___ a ____
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff
If you give a pig a party
Is your Mama a Llama? Deborah Guarino
Island of the Blue Dolphins, by Scott O’Dell
It's not my... series (fairy. princess, car, penguin, etc)
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach: A Children's Story by Roald Dah
Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg
Kitten’s first full moon
Little Bear By Else Holmelund Minarik
Llama Llama books
Make Way for Ducklings, by Robert McCloskey
Math Curse by Jon Scieszka
Matilda by Roald Dahl
Millions of Cats, by Wanda Gag
Miss Spider books by David Kirk
Mother goose and friends
My teacher for president
Nelson Mandela's Favorite African Folktales by Nelson Mandela
No david
Oh the places you’ll go
Oh the thinks you can think by Dr Seuss
On the Night You Were Born
On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman
One leaf rides in the wind
Peter Pan, by J.M. Barrie
Rosa by Giovanni
Runny Babbit by Shel Silverstein
Sideways Stories from Wayside School by Louis Sachar
Stellaluna by Janell Cannon
Stone Soup by Ann Mcgovern
Stuart little
Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume
Ten Oni Drummers
The 3 bears
The 3 little pigs
The Aesop for Children
The Baby's Bedtime Book (book of poetry)
The Berenstein Bears series
The Best-Loved Folktales of the World by Joanna Cole
The BFG by Roald Dahl
the Boxcar Children series by Gertrude Chandler Warner
The Bunnies are Not in Their Beds.
The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne
The dog who cried wolf
The Emperor's New Clothes by Hans Christian Andersen
The Five Chinese Brothers by Claire Huchet Bishop
The Five Little Monkey Series Eileen Christlow
The Giver
The Going to Bed Book
The Good Night Our World Series
The Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks
The jazz fly
The Keeping Quilt by Patricia Polacco
The Little Critter Series by Mercer Mayer
The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper
The Little Golden books
The little matza ball boy
The Little Prince by Antoine de St. Exupery
The Mitten by Jan Brett
The moon was at a fiesta
The night before Christmas
The Paper Bag Princess by Robert N. Munsch
The phantom tollbooth
The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg
The princess and the pizza
The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister
The Ramona series
The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf
The tale of Benjamin bunny
The tale of peter rabbit
The Tale of Samuel Whiskers, by Beatrix Potter
The three little kittens
The true story of the 3 little pigs
The trumpet of the swan
The ugly duckling
The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
The very greedy bee
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
There was an old lady who swallowed a shell
There’s a map in my lap
This jazz man by Ehrhardt
Tikki Tikki Tembo by Arlene Mosel
Tortilla Flat
touch & feel books by Matthew Van Fleet
We're Going on a Bear Hunt by Helen Oxenbury
Where the Sidewalk Ends: the Poems and Drawing of Shel Silverstein by Shel Silverstein
Where the Wild Things Are
Who Said Moo by Harriet Ziefert and Simms Taback
Why Mosquitoes Buzz in People's Ears by Verna Aardema
Winnie-the-Pooh, by AA Milne, illustrated by EH Shepard
Yertle the Turtle, by Dr Seuss
Zoo-ology by Joelle Jolivet


DVDs:
Fantasia
The Three Caballeros
The AristoCats
Flight of the Navigator
Oliver and Company
The Rescuers Down Under
Aladdin
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Hercules
Mulan
Mighty Joe Young
Bugs Life, A
Emperor's New Groove, The
Monsters, Inc
Lilo & Stitch
The Great Mouse Detective
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
DuckTales The Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp