Spring is here

Well spring is here the flowers are blooming birds are singing and I am sad.  The world seems to be bursting with new life and I am empty.  The longer it has been sense my U/S the more worried  I get about the results.  I feel like I may never get the chance to be blooming with new life.  Being told I am glowing.  

I had someone come up to me today, put their hands on my fat belly and ask when I was due.  Really?  Really?  I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am still getting asked when I am due.  I know I am not thin but do I really look pregnant?  Some people just should not speak and really need to think hard before opening their mouth at all.  So now I sit here depressed that I am going to be the best auntie in a few months but not a mom.  

I forgot in my last blog to mention my change essay.  In one of my masters classes we were asked to write an essay about a change that we are going through, want to go through or recently completed.  This essay had to be 8-10 pages so what am I going to write about? Of course I am going to write about the change to be a mother.  The only problem is the paper had to be peer edited by 2 random people in the class.  Well I decided it was still worth it.  I turned in my paper on Monday and got the first of my feedback.  I was told that m paper was informative but personally disconnected.  Hmmm yah think?  I tried to write the paper in the true sense of what happened making it really personal and all I did was cry.  I had to disconnect a little.  However, something good did come out of it already.  The girl that ready my paper said she didn't know anyone had such a hard time conceiving.  So I did educate one person.  I have also taken to, when people ask if there is anything they can do, telling people to write their congress man to get our state to mandate fertility coverage.  

So maybe this is my spring I am being "reborn" into a stronger more active advocate for fertility.  I feel like I need to be shouting it from the rooftops.  The world needs to know and now I am actually looking forward to joining in the open class discussion on our papers.  I am also thinking of going back through and fixing the disconnect.  If i am going to share this then I am not doing any favors to anyone by it not being personally connected.  This paper may be my start to healing.  

If I cannot be a mom then maybe I can bring awareness to the subject.  This is one of my big pet peeves.  When did talking about things become wrong just because it makes someone uncomfortable?  We get over our discomfort by talking and if we cant talk then it just sits inside and festers.  It looks like this spring will be a period of growth for me even if it isn't in the direction I wanted it to be.